Thanks for coming. I’m glad you made it. You may recall 24 hours ago, I asked you to meet me at this blog…
The Jake is great. The baseball stadium is “The Jake,” basketball is “The Q,” the football stadium is called “Paul Brown Stadium.” We should come up with a nickname for it- Booch suggested, and we’re running with “The Poo.” It starts with a P, matches the color of their uniforms, and generally describes their level of play.
Want to know how the Browns are playing? Check the Poo…
It’s a beautiful ballpark, located in the heart of downtown Cleveland. The scoreboard is huge. It’s that scoreboard stadium add on that’s too expensive in madden games, yet they have it in Cleveland. It also has a ton of information on it. It’s a great place to watch a baseball game but none of that is what I want to talk about.
Stark got us a luxury suite for the game. This was, not surprisingly, my first time in a luxury suite. That is what I have to report about:
We walked in and there was a spread as far as the eyes can see of hot dogs, chicken wings, pizza, fruit, vegetables, beer and hard alcohol. I am assuming there were other non-alcoholic drinks there, I just don’t know it for a fact. You’ll have to ask Harold. That represented time number fourteen where this trip would have been much better if we weren’t keeping kosher.
Later on there was a dessert cart that came around that was full of greatest flowing cheeses, chocolates, and whipped cream since other dessert carts prior to that one. Let me channel my inner Harold for a second: “I had a platter of strawberries, syrup, and whipped cream. It was scrumptious and delicious. Much alacrity was had.”
The place was sick. Besides the ridiculously comfortable chairs outside, there were white leather couches inside and a flat screen tv. I can honestly say that the game looked more real on tv than it did in person.
In summary, I will never blame people who go to games, sit in luxury boxes, and leave early. I would like to do that for the rest of my life.
Because you demand it - Other ketchup related stories:
In Pittsburgh, I bought a Heinz Ketchup shirt from a guy. The reason for this? 1. The guy was helpful; 2. They love their ketchup in Pittsburgh. It’s a huge red shirt with a gigantic reproduction of the Heinz emblem. Flash forward one day to the game in Cleveland and Abie is wearing this shirt because his other one got soaked at boating. Coming into the stadium, he was walking slowly and a Cleveland cop motioned him along. “Move along there, ketchup.” He was also stopped later by a Jew who quizzed him with a non-Harold level fun fact. “Do you know what that O-U stands for?” “Orthodox Union” said Abie and walked the other way.
The game also had a between inning hot dog race where ketchup competed against mustard and onion. It’s nice to see onion getting up there, good for him. If onion can do it, mayo can. Because of his shirt, Abie was rooting heavily for ketchup (who was edged out in a photo finish by onion). The rest of us stood at the front of the box and chanted “Go Hot Dog!” Ah, comedy…
One detail on the game… Stark declared before the game that this was a code blood (even more than a code red). Stark claimed an Indian win meant the playoffs, and a loss meant that the season was over. The Indians won. Look for them in October.
A Stark Contrast
This section will make more sense to people who know Ezra Starkus. For those who don’t … he is not really a person. His main activity in life is making plans he never plans on bringing to fruition. When he says he will be somewhere, that is inconsequential. He’s not a person. Trust me.
That said – Starkus was to the Maximus in Cleveland. We stayed in his house, he got us out on a boat and jetskiing, and got us into a luxury suite at Jacobs field. He hooked us up exactly as he had said he would.
The question is- Does this cause us to change our entire Stark viewpoint? Should we conclude that he is a person.
No. No we shouldn’t. And shame on you for insinuating that we should have. He is still not a person. I submit for evidence:
He got lost on the way back from Jacobs Field to his house
He went to the wrong level of the parking garage to find his car
He informed us (read: Harold) that there was an 8 o’clock minyan close to his home. The latest shacharit in all of Cleveland is 7:30
General Starkishness and not thinking out plans.
Stark is still Stark. Cleveland is surprisingly great.